Home > abandonment, Outer Child > INSECURITY – IS IT HIM OR ME? Is He (or She) Pulling Away, or am I Overreacting?

INSECURITY – IS IT HIM OR ME? Is He (or She) Pulling Away, or am I Overreacting?

Susan Anderson © Dec 9 2011

Sometimes you just can’t tell.   Is it your old insecurity acting up again, or did you pick another emotionally unavailable lover?  If the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll say you should have trusted your gut.

But wait a minute… you’ve already figured out that you can’t trust your gut because you’d feel insecure at the beginning of ANY relationship especially if you really like the person.  We’re all like that.  Being strongly attracted to someone creates high emotional stakes and makes us crave constant reassurance.  If only there were love-insurance, we’d all buy it!

So if you can’t go by your gut, how can you tell?  When you can’t come up with a clear answer, then you’re asking the wrong question.  The better question is:  “How can I hold myself in such a way that I can let this relationship play itself out to see what its potential really is?”

To this question there IS an answer.  To remain self possessed, you must take 100% responsibility for your own emotional security instead of laying this need at your lover’s feet.  It is not his (or her) responsibility to make you feel secure.  It is YOUR responsibility.  Remind yourself frequently: ONLY YOU can make yourself secure.  Don’t lay it on your lover.  ONLY YOU can develop emotional self reliance.  It’s nobody else’s job but YOURS.

Don’t expect to accomplish this task perfectly.  You become self assured imperfectly – the way all of us humans accomplish this type of thing.  Even making a small improvement can make all the difference in your love life.

This change (which is really a seismic shift) begins with accepting the challenge: Feeling insecure with your lover places you exactly where you need to be to work on what you need to work on.  Use it as an opportunity to increase self assurance.

Here’s how it works. The more you’re attracted to someone, the higher the stakes.  The higher the stakes, the greater the insecurity.  The greater the insecurity, the harder to accomplish emotional self assurance.  The harder to accomplish, the more emotional strength you gain from the effort.

There are hands-on exercises that absolutely make it possible for you to give yourSELF emotional security – especially when you’re freaking out and panicking over a new relationship!  Don’t expect to become self assured just by wanting it; you have to DO something.  DOING means getting on program and practicing exercises that strengthen your ability to give yourself assurance.  Remember: You don’t have to become perfect at it, just self possessed ENOUGH to let the relationship be what it is, without losing yourself in the process.  Make the more important thing your own growth.

Related Articles


Categories: abandonment, Outer Child
  1. David Harrison
    December 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Thank you Susan,

    You articulate well the journey through emotional responsibility, regulation and risk.
    I look forward to learning more with the exercises.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: