Home > abandonment, Outer Child > The Pied Piper of Abandonment

The Pied Piper of Abandonment

Most of the time I feel like the Pied Piper of abandonment. Thousands of people have written their painful and agonizing abandonment scenarios to me through http://www.abandonment.net, Facebook and now through this blog.

You’d think that over the years I would grow immune to feeling empathy for the pain they describe, but I read these things with amazement about our human capacity to feel life so very painfully.

There were three writers who knocked my socks off, and they represent three types of abandonment.

The first was Terisa who is fully attached and to a guy who wants to see her frequently but doesn’t want to consider her a girlfriend (he’s waiting for someone to fall madly in love with instead). She doesn’t understand why she stays so stuck on someone who only offers her heartache.

The answer is that she has entered into a “traumatic bond” with him. As paradoxical as it sounds, the more pain someone causes you, the more attached you feel. College fraternities understand this as does the military: The harsher the training and “pledging” the stronger the loyalty and bond.

This guy’s constantly pulling away from Terisa only sinks his hook in deeper. The same is true when you’re married to someone who keeps falling off the wagon, or keeps shutting you out, or keeps putting you down. The intermittent reinforcement causes you to cling more rather than let go.

What to do when you are traumatically bonded to someone? The first step is to recognize it and the second step is to treat it as an addiction, which means to get help. Don’t underestimate the power of the situation, and meet it with full force, which often involves full abstinence – and lots of support from others.

Then we come to Boomie whose husband has decided he doesn’t want to stay married any longer – but, and here is the clincher – he wants his family to remain intact – as well as to remain really great friends with his now heartbroken wife – and to get together for family outings to dinner and the movies.

This means that he wants all of the benefits of the marriage, but not the commitment part. Nothing is more deleterious for a woman’s self-image than to see her love as the only thing scraped from the program. Furthermore, it means that he doesn’t have to experience any loss at all, since he can still use his wife and family as his “background object” which will only make him more secure and more empowered to go on about his single business, no longer encumbered by the bonds of marriage.

Imagine the traumatic bond this sets up for Boomie to get snarled in. And imagine her chronic abandonment pain as this scenario plays out.

One can’t give advice in these situations, but I bet a lot of readers wish that she’d tell him that he can’t have his cake and eat it to – it’s either stay married, or accept a period of complete emotional separation from her.

If she’s like a lot of heartbroken spouses, she will most likely become so emotionally starved, that she will be willing to accept any crumbs, albeit friendship crumbs, he is willing to throw her way.

As for Jane Doe, her abandonment pain is excruciating because she tossed someone aside and then later changed her mind, only to find out that the tables had turned and that he was now knee deep in a new romance. She can’t let go of the need to fix what she broke and hound this guy for a second chance.

What makes her situation more desperate is that her beloved father died in the midst of all of this, and I’ve come to understand how bereavement interfaces with abandonment. The finality of someone’s death makes the need to restore a connection that is broken even greater. This guy isn’t dead, he’s just withholding himself. Someone recently bereaved will have a hard time giving up – because it means going back to that awful feeling of “never coming back.”

Reading these people’s situations brings me to a full stop. It reminds me what has motivated me to do all of the book-writing and letter-answering that I have done over the years.

  1. Michelle
    July 22, 2011 at 3:00 am

    I certainly see some of my situation in all 3 of these scenarios . . . no wonder this situation has felt like torture for years. It is definitely a traumatic bonding situation, yet it’s so very difficult to break all emotional ties; the intermittent reinforcement is frequent and strong. It’s so difficult, too, to let go of the idea that if I he just would’ve told me what he disliked, I could have been different, and all will be well.

    Recently, my therapist and I have begun viewing my lack of adjustment to divorce as an addiction. Of course, this is complicated by the fact that I have to see him occasionally due to the fact that we have a child together.

    I know it all sounds so dramatic, but I will keep praying that i can make the break. I have to if I value peace of mind.

    Thank you, again . . .


  2. Slow but sure
    April 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    one of the most powerful things about hearing or reading other peoples abandonment stories is the knowledge that you are not alone. I see myself in two and a half of the above 3 scenarios. The relationship started with committment – push pull issues – for 2 years,a tramatic bonding, and then when we broke up it turned into having your cake and eating it too. The last year and a half I’ve struggled with staying friends and couldn’t let go. my dad died about a year ago and we remained each others back ground object.
    he’s moved on to a new relationship and I’m shattered all over again. This has been an 18 month break up and I really need it to end. I’ve finally cut all ties..
    Thank you. Your books and blog have helped me so much over the past year. I really couldn’t have done it alone.

    • Drew
      August 29, 2014 at 12:25 am

      Hi I am going though the same situation right now , how has the last year been for you?

  3. August 27, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    I really can relate to the last story about the jane doe and having the tables turned. I had a girl that chased me for over a year and I would always rebuff her , but the time I want to be with her she is already deep in a relationship and I’ve blown my chance. Now I am forced to get over this heartache with underlying self abandonment issues. I am hopeful that by reading this website and some of the books I ordered will help me out with the way I feel and react

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