Home > abandonment > When You Have Loved and Lost – What to do with All the Love? – Part II

When You Have Loved and Lost – What to do with All the Love? – Part II

Self Love Not Narcissism
Caution: You don’t make yourself love’s object narcissistically. It’s more of a spiritual redirection of energy toward that central place within the self we all share – a universal place of quiet appreciation for the wonders of existence. Even if your existence has you currently writhing in spasms of torment, at least you can remember good moments in the past – and you can observe others appreciating these moments. Ponder these things and your own emotional state momentarily lifts a little. Notice I said “a little” and “momentarily.” This is not a magic pill. The benefits are gained slowly, cumulatively, through repeated practice. Use your appreciation of good moments – ponder self love – as a way of punctuating your journey with little commas, to create pause through the day.

If you want to move beyond punctuation and really gain traction to move forward, you need additional tools – power tools.

Self Love Leads to Connection
Let’s talk turkey here: For the vast majority of us, love must ultimately be satisfied in human connection. Your ultimate goal is, most likely, to find a new special someone. But for now, while you are bereft of that person, the idea is to throw yourself energetically into the act of loving yourself and the world around you. This does not happen by osmosis, by using specialized exercises that help you build a stronger relationship with yourself. These exercises act like physical therapy for the brain. They are carefully honed to help you convert love as a feeling into love as an action that you take on behalf of yourself and others in your life. I’ve filled several books of instructions about this [i.e. WORKBOOK: http://www.abandonment.net/workbook.frame.help.html]. True, this process takes a little know-how and encouragement, but it is doable.

You Gain Gravitation Pull
This conversion of love-for-another into self-love transforms you from a satellite to a sun. You become a solar source of your own radiant warmth and energy – a glowing presence that others bask in as well. As you administer love to yourself in a real way through actions you give yourself (methodically prescribed through the exercises), you gain gravitational pull.

The love you give yourself must be unconditional self-love – love which compassionately accepts yourself, warts and all, as you would accept your loved ones. This kind of love is so magnanimous that people in your life are inevitably drawn in.

It’s not Idealistic Gobbeldy Gook
Does this seem impossible? Others have done it. This transformation is how healers are born. It’s also how people’s hidden strengths become activated. You see amazing people around you. Suspect that adversity prompted them to become who they are. All it takes is hard work and the right tools. If others have done this, why not you? And again, consider your choices: You can either drown in sorrow or rise to the occasion to become your higher self. Why not make yourself the object of your love and increase your potential as a human being?

You’ll do this Imperfectly
When you do this, you’ll do it not perfectly, but imperfectly. If you try to do this perfectly, you’ll make yourself the object of frustration rather than love. Plan to love yourself imperfectly. Give yourself a compassionate pass for those times you succumb to abject self-hatred and acute devastation. Love yourself affectionately for these feelings as they are part and parcel of the intense emotional crisis of abandonment. You’ll likely still feel demoralized, hopeless, helpless, and panicky at times – not to mention prone to constant self-doubt and idealization of your abandoner. There’s also the rage and feeling wrung out from all the shouting and crying you’re doing. You’re human, so attend to your wound lovingly. Reassure yourself: This will pass.

Accept all of these feelings as natural, part of the experience, part of transience, part of you, and administer to them compassionately as you would to a small helpless child going through this. Again, this will pass.

When you become conscious of being in heartache, don’t squelch the feelings, but gently remind yourself of the need to make yourself the object of your own love. Favor this idea as you would a mantra as you go through your day… and whip out those power tools and get back to work to do another round of physical therapy for your heart, mind, and soul.

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